I was just finishing a book from the restricted section of the library, when I got a call on my long-distance-mirror. It was this bloody ugly little girl, and she was whispering something. Sixteen years…..preciousssssss Really, it’s like she’s predicting my death. I told her to bugger off, because I was reading, but she kept muttering. Sixteen yearssss! I think I’m being stalked. Can you hire someone to ‘take care’ of this chick for me?
I’ll see if I can contact someone, since you’re a dear friend, but I suggest you get rid of the mirror first. Or get a different name, flee the country, and obtain a totally different appearance. Good luck!
I have my foot stuck in one of those spinning chairs. I’m starting to get motion sickness. What should I do??
~Stuck in a chair~
Dear Stuck in a chair,
It happens to the best of us. Trust me, I have experience. *pointed glance at Padfoot* My suggestion; start hacking away at the chair with your teeth like some demented beaver. You should be free in a year or two…
I’m in a bit of a twist. I can’t decide if I want to join the death eaters. What is your opinion? Yes or no?
Dear Homicidal Maniac,
Yes! Of course! *Sees Prongs and Padfoot watching him* Ermm…I mean, No! You stupid git! Don’t write me again!
Can you help us get this huge black dog out of the seventh year girls dorms? I feel like we’re being watched.
Dear Potentially Traumatized,
What? Is there something WRONG with the dog? He’s cute, isn’t he? He just wants some attention…and one of those chocolate frogs would be nice.
You have to help me! Someone released a niffler in our dorm! It’s out to get my shines!
~Hoarding Metallic Objects (Padfoot)~
Dear Hoarding Metallic Objects,
Now why would anyone do that? I have no idea who let it loose, but I strongly suspect Snivellus. *nudge nudge wink wink* Now you probably need help getting rid of it, don’t you? I’ll be right there. You’re pathetic. Get a new hobby.
My friend has a severe obsession with zebra legs. I remembered that you have some mental issues of your own, and thought that maybe you could point out a good therapist for her.
~About to be injured by a zebra leg~
Dear About to be injured by a zebra leg,
Well…Sirius is becoming a shrink, but first he has to get something called a ‘seal of approval’! Anyway, Doctor Phil is this great muggle shrink that I find extremely useful. I owe everything to him.
I am a victim of 3:00 am hysterics. Except that it is only 1:00 am. Could you possibly supply me with a straight jacket?
Dear Helpless victim,
I’ll have to dig it out of my stash of belongings. I usually reserve it for Sirius, but for you, yes. I’ll help. Do not kill yourself until I am there.
I’ve been spotting all thses coconuts around England. Why?
~coconut crazed fiend~
Dear coconut crazed fiend,
What? You’ve never heard of migratory coconuts? How dim can you get?
I am leaving, and you cannot come with me, for you do not speak French!
~Je suis noir chien~
Have you been watching veggie tails again?
I am a werewolf. People are starting to figure it out. Even my friends are scared of me, I need help.
Dear Unhappy Werewolf,
What do I look like? Some sort of werewolf shrink? Go bite someone and get on with your life.
You are no help at all. I think I may just bite you. Watch your back.
~Now determined werewolf~
I’ve been around the Hogwarts grounds and keep seeing a deer/buck, and a very cute dog with a rat riding on its back. It’s very unusual. Do you know what it means?
Don’t move. I’ll be right there for your support….with a memory charm.
The other day I woke up, and saw my new plastic garden flamingo looming over me. He blinked. He also had mysteriously grown eyebrows whilst I was asleep. Should I shave them off?
~To shave or not to shave~
Dear to shave or not to shave,
What do you have against eyebrows? Can I shave off YOUR eyebrows?
Can I borrow some of your silver spray paint?
Why do you want it? And why couldn’t you take three steps over, from the couch, and ask me? I have metallic silver spray paint. Will that work? It is in the secret compartment of my suitcase.
Since when do you have a suitcase? Why is Sirius tearing our dorm apart? Why did Sirius just throw my pet spider out the window? Is Sirius fibbing? Why….
I do now, but Sirius will have to find it. Spider? He threw Webbie out the window? I’m sorry. We’ll have to have a funeral….
P.S Why do you doubt my word? I never lie. *innocent face*
Thanks to you, my hair is now a smashing silver. I just wrote to warn you before I come down and blind you with its brilliance.
~Shiny addict (Padfoot)~
Dear Shiny Addict,
Thanks for that heads up. Did you spike your hair? And just wondering, how long did it take you, and where did you find my suitcase? I’ll have to hide it again.
For the last time, I will not go out with you! Not even for a Cell Phone!
Dearest Lily flower,
What about for a refrigerator for some extra mashed potatoes? Or a nose ring for your poodle? Or….Bungee! Bungee! Bungee Bungee Bungee! Here we go Bungee! Come on!
My friend has stolen my shoe and is now beating my other friend with it. I want my shoe back, and unharmed. To which of the Marauders should I voice my problem?
~Scarred for life~
Dear Scarred for Life,
I am usually the victim of the shoe-beating, so I would ask someone else. James, perhaps? It’s usually his shoe that Padfoot steals.
I found a nickel! Do you want it?
Dear Nickel thief,
I would like the nickel. What I would love even more is a hundred dollars! How ‘bout that? By the way….where did you get a nickel at Hogwarts? It’s muggle money.
I am called the nickel thief for a reason.
~Confession of a Nickel thief~
It’s…..weird. The other day, this old man gave me a ring. Well, I accidentally dropped it in the fire, and this weird language appeared on it. What should I do?
Dear Freaked out,
I suggest you sell the ring on EBay. It’s a very reliable internet site that Muggles use. Or you could give it to a boyfriend or girlfriend…Or to Sirius. I’d go with Ebay.
And omg, I found some that are unfinished! The questions are quite hilarious though :D
I am terribly afraid of ceiling fans. It's turned out to be a sort of phobia... Ever since that day at the bunny factory...What should I do to get over my fear?
I bought some weapons of mass destruction on the black market, but I don't know who to attack. Who should i terminate?
Yesterday I spontaneously turned into a turnip. What should I do? (I do say, it's hard to write as a turnip.)
I know everything! haha! You're going to die and so is Sirius! I know the marauder's animagus forms! I know your future! Wa ha!
Help! My animals have taken over my farm and my pigs are acting like dictators! AHH! The cheka are coming for me!
~Cheka Chow (Russian revolution, 1917)
I live in the dorm next to you. We in the dorm next to you have been invaded by rats, and can't get them to go. What should we do?
Dear Mr. Prongs,
I think Padfoot was just abducted by aliens.
Help! I've fallen and I can't get up!
~Severely in pain
My honeybunch is waddling! What should I do? (Inside joke)
Sirius has just broken into my house and has proceeded to raid my fridge, eating all my pickles. He seems to be getting high off of them. Do you know any good drug management programs or facilities?
I've had the misfortune to mispronounce the wingardium leviosa charm, and there is now a buffalo on my chest. he's trying to eat my hair...-Oh, Get off, you! *mutter* Somebody help me! Please?